He Ain't Heady, He's My Brother
JIMMY CARTER had Billy. BILL CLINTON had Roger. And while it's clear our current Prez has some pretty fascinating lineage, we doubt a moonshine-swillin', knees-knockin', backwoods McConaughey-seed will be showing up in a Stetson and/or chaps anytime soon. So, when it comes to black sheep brothers in high places these days, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you, MARCUS FITZGERALD!
Yes, Marcus Fitzgerald, younger brother and Goofus to all-pro wideout LARRY FITZGERALD's Gallant, is slated to play football for DENNIS GREEN and the UFL's CALIFORNIA REDWOODS. (By the way, UFL, so far we love the names.) More to the point, in addition to beating out the likes of PETER "Five Finger Discount" WARRICK for a spot on the Redwoods WR depth chart, Marcus is a hilariously reckless Tweeter, and by "hilariously reckless" we mean..."please don't stop being hilariously reckless."
Seems a couple weeks back, despite Larry's Arizona Cardinals holding a three-touchdown halftime lead, Marcus found himself worked up enough to raid an Absolut-ly stocked mini-fridge and engage in some thumbs-driven smack-talk. (The last part of that sentence is undeniably true. The first part merely *feels * undeniably true but is completely fabricated.) Here is but a small sampling of what Marcus Fitzgerald - of your Warrick-less California Redwoods!!! - had to Tweet:
That his brother was "pissed off" that the QB throwing to him plays "like a damn 80 year old." (We summarize with limited quotations here thanks to MIKE FLORIO's salvage work and because "Sorry, that page doesn't exist!" doesn't exactly sing off the page. Kudos, Twitter!)
Also deleted but preserved for eternity, this beaut: "YOU OLD ASS MAN, THROW HIM THE DAMN BALL." And...this one: "Bout time kurt! I almost had to come to jacksonville & strangle his ass lmao." (Ah, strangulation... "lmao," indeed. Always funny.)
Additionally, in some botched attempt to secure a studio job at...FOXESPNBCBS (Deportes), we guess, Marcus treated his Followers to this razor sharp stab at savvy analysis: "Kurt warner needs 2 stop bein a scary ass & throw the ball deep 2 my brother! damn this is annoying 2 watch! he throws 2 the rb's 2 damn much."
In the end, Marcus "scary ass" Fitzgerald opted for that old Out-Takes childhood standby, "Just kidding!" which has more or less brought to a close an awkward, if ultimately harmless, p.r. snafu. Compared to the trials (literal and not-so) of other black sheep brothers, the acting career of occasionally reckless driver Roger Clinton ("Mayor Bubba in Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings" is a favorite iMDb credit) and whatever the hell it was that went into "Billy Beer," Marcus Fitzgerald calling an old guy "old" isn't much more than a youthful indiscretion.
That said, kid, perhaps you'd be better off with your nose in the Redwoods playbook. And if you're looking for a good time at the half, lay off the Tweets and settle in with a Billy Beer or two. A word of warning, though - if you end up with company, take a lesson from another brother Marcus, this one name of Vick, who learned his lesson back at Virginia Tech, and learned it the hard way: Card.
~ Despite the controversy surrounding last month's alleged right hook - which grows less "alleged" with every NFLN confirmation of assistant RANDY HANSON's broken jaw - Raider head coach TOM CABLE recently assured Oakland's band of oddly medieval, be-spiked fans that there's no need to worry. Indeed, he promised to "stay the course." (Now there's a soundbite that never fails!) So, not to worry, all you face-painting, club-wielding Black Hole soilers! Your favorite Cable guy won't be throwing in the towel just yet. (Probably he's still on haymakers.)
~ News out of Jet camp has wideout DAVID CLOWNEY getting benched last week for something that translates loosely to...uncool Tweeting. "Uncool Tweeting," incidentally, has the distinction of being both our "Office of Redundancy Office" pick of the week and the first known example of REX RYAN disciplining a player, as opposed to rewarding him, for running his mouth.
~ Is there anything sadder than seeing good-guy gamer CHAD PENNINGTON suffer yet another season-ending injury? (Okay, yes: the devastating situation in Sudan, those poor OCTOMOM kids and every relentlessly depressing frame of Revolutionary Road...but you get the point.)
~ When you spot a headline like Pro Football Talk's "McNabb isn't the only one hurting on Eagles offense," what's the first thing that pops into your head? That BRIAN WESTBROOK is definitely one of the other ones, right? No need to confirm, we know you know, just as we know you know it's probably an ankle and that the odds are pretty good he's "questionable for Sunday." But it begs a twofold thought: Is there a more productive AIG (in this case, "Always Injured Guy") than Westbrook and, if there is, can we get them to give some of that TARP money back?
~ Three little words re: this week's Minnesota-based MNF: Let's. Go.
~ Was anybody even remotely surprised earlier this week when word broke that JUNIOR SEAU responded to getting trampled by a bull by jumping up, gleeful, literally two seconds later? Frankly, we're shocked he didn't punch out the bull and/or drag it off to go surfing or whatever.
~ According to the hyper-Irish-sounding RYAN O'HALLORAN of the fish-wrapper that is the Washington Times, when it comes to his job, Redskins head coach JIM ZORN is - quote - "not worried." Guess he figures, what with every sentient being in the world knowing that his D.C. days are numbered, there's no point in making himself prematurely redundant. Word that Washington owner DANIEL "SNYDER-BRENNER" just named his new puggle "C-DAQ" (Cowher Drafts a Quarterback) couldn't be confirmed at press-time.
~ Not sure if anyone noticed, but apparently BRAD CHILDRESS has traded in his Major Dad * look for some kind of bizarre, Amish Country-style makeover. We were this-close to making a lame, "That explains the lack of electricity on the field on Sunday" joke, but then FAVRE (aka @%&!) had to channel his inner Benjamin Button and complete that last-ditch Hail Mary to former Patriot-for-five-minutes GREG LEWIS. Which brings up a point...Did news not make it out to San Francisco that YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SHOVE GUYS OUT OF BOUNDS NOW?!
~ It goes without saying that Pats fans, not to mention myriad fantasy football owners, love seeing RANDY MOSS throw up those electrifying, two-TD, 150-yard games, and #81 no doubt has a few of them left. But what you saw on Sunday was gritty on a JOE ANDRUZZI level, as blue-collar a performance as anyone could hope to see from a receiver who still runs like a gazelle.
Tough catches in critical spots, keen awareness on the field and a showcase of calm, steady leadership off it. Randy Moss kept his head when all about him were losing theirs, including the guy (over)throwing him the ball. Certain writers who shall remain
nameless may choose the path of willful ignorance - What bad back, Randy? - but Out-Takes sees this lunch-pail, Andruzzi-meets-Welker performance, bad back and all, for what it was, and is: a short, but meaningful chapter in the evolution of a so-called "cancer."
The Lions get a monkey off their back...
Out-Takes would like to join the quasi-condescending chorus of voices celebrating Detroit, the Ford family and everyone everywhere who has anything even remotely to do with LIONS FOOTBALL. The last few years haven't been kind to Motown and we're not just talking 0-16. There's unemployment, the auto industry crisis, those cloying, saccharine MITCH ALBOM books... Just kidding, Mom Out-Takes, I love Tuesdays with Morrie - all three copies. (Like we said..."Just kidding." A classic.) But back on point...
It's been a long slog in that particular nape of the neck and, given the fact that Detroit's beloved Tigers are about to be fed to the lions (in the form of those jinx-proof, juggernaut Yankees), it sure was nice to see STAFFORD, SCHWARTZ, et al, come away with a win before the hometown die-hards. Here's hoping they get a few more this season, including at least one vs. Cutler & Favre, each of whom, it's worth noting, serves as his own black sheepish, hillbilly brother. (See what we did there?)
John Cockrell is a screenwriter, whose other work has run the gamut from "Sesame Street Parents Magazine" to Playboy TV's "The Weekend Flash." (He figures everything else is pretty much in-between.)"