Out-Takes's Post-preseason Awards
The "Hey, Verbal Kint isn't Limping Anymore!" Award for Best Twist Ending:
The Patriots trade of RICHARD SEYMOUR to the usual suspects in Oakland for a top 5 pick in 2011. (Between Cable's right hook and whatever Al Davis has left, we think top 5's a safe bet.) After getting up off the floor, clutching our shell-shocked, sucker-punched guts, we felt kind of sorry for #93. How can we possibly sympathize with a guy "earning" millions of dollars for playing a game? For that we turn it over to old friend and new NFL talking head RODNEY HARRISON:
"He's going from a first-class organization to one of the worst in the NFL. You have the head coach fighting the assistant coaches, the owner involved in day-to-day operations, guys who don't believe in the QB. Tom Brady to JaMarcus Russell? Come on. Why would he be excited?" (Don't beat around the bush, Rodney. Tell us how you really feel.)
It's been several days since Out-Takes got wind of the deal and we still can't believe it. Seymour? Richard Seymour? He of the three Super Bowl rings, the five Pro Bowls and the built-in "Bart Simpson Crank Call to Moe's" name?! Yep. Unbelievable. Famous last words - "And like that, poof! He's gone!" - never sounded so right. And so wrong.
Regards to the Black Hole, Richard. Hope you help them find the light.
The "Two Hours of Keanu on a Bus?" Award for Best Thriller with a dash of Speed:
To MICHAEL CRABTREE and the "Will He or Won't He?" hubbub still going down in 'Frisco. (Apologies to Sis Out-Takes, who frowns upon that particular abbreviation, but then, she also refers to appetizers as "apps," so we'll call it even.)
Crabtree still has time to sign, but it's not looking good for his rookie year, even if he does. One thing's for sure, if Crabtree does hold his ground and opts back in, he ain't getting picked in the top 10 again. And it'll be the single greatest excuse ever for Karma-inspired, league-wide collusion. Which, to be clear, would never actually transpire in the NFL. (That's baseball's job.)
The "Tim Robbins in a Garter Belt" Award for Swaggerliciousness, Above & Beyond:
To Jet rookie quarterback MARK SANCHEZ for these post-game comments after his team's 3rd stringers beat the back-ups from Philly: "That's exactly the statement we wanted to make as an offense to ourselves and to the league. We want to feel like a force to be reckoned with."
Mark Sanchez, boys and girls, the Nuke LaLoosh of the AFC East. If "Hollywood" Sanchez caps off Gang Green's first regular season win with something along the lines of "It's out-there. It's a major rush. I mean, it feels radical in kind of a tubular sort of way, but most of all, it feels out-there," will anyone be surprised?
The "Eddie Murphy *Dr. Doolittle * Trilogy/'They Made THREE of These Things?!'" Award:
To TURK SCHONERT, CHAN GAILEY & JEFF JAGODZINSKI, the trio of offensive coordinators axed just prior to the portion of the NFL slate where the games actually count. As one NFL head coach with a show on WEEI quipped, "Who says pre-season doesn't mean anything?"
Speaking of Schonert, check out the guns a-blazin', dorm-room catfight exit line he directed at Bills head coach DICK JAURON after his ouster: "He told me the offense wasn't simple enough for him. We had too many formations, too many plays. He wants a Pop Warner offense. He's been on my back all off-season."
ME-ow! "A Pop Warner offense." Stay classy, Turk. Speaking of classy, let's cut to the blooper reel and San Diego...
~ Just when you thought SHAWNE MERRIMAN on NBC in a skimpy, ladies tank top, circa '07, gave you the heebee-jeebies, along comes his sordid hook-up with former reality dating-show "star" and current Tweet-deleter TILA "I Don't Drink Because I'm Allergic to Alcohol, but my Last Name Is" TEQUILA. (NOTE: Heebee-jeebies are, we suspect, among the least worrying things one might acquire from, shall we say, "taking a shot" with Ms. Tequila.)
We're not in the business of doling out advice, particularly to trash-talking, girl clothes-wearing
"tainted nutritional supplement" suspendees but, Shawne, there's a reason your Charger teammates made the rather bold statement of NOT naming you a team captain on Thursday, and it may be that you seem less focused on becoming the next LT (not the one in your locker room, the REAL one), than the next Bobby Brown to Ms. Tequila's Whitney Houston. You're in the NFL, not on VH1. (And not both - that's Mrs. Out-Takes newest, bestest buddy, T.O.) So wise up and pipe down. And cut it with that lame sack dance. The ladies tank top was less embarrassing.
~ A few weeks ago, we jotted down a note for a future blooper reel: "What's the over-under on the number of regular season games before BRETT FAVRE plays the 'my shoulder just isn't holding up like I thought it would' card?" Turns out, #4 beat us to the punch, 'though he did mix it up a bit, going with "cracked rib, but I'll play through it." So he's got that going for him. (Which is nice.)
~ Real Time Blooper #1: Hiiiiines! How on EARTH do you fumble there?! I've got Big Ben starting and every yard (and what should've been a TD) counts!
~ Real Time Blooper #2: I don't know if he's gone Vegan or simply gotten mixed up in that Acai Berry Diet Oprah's always pushing, but former 60 Minutes correspondent MIKE WALLACE looks FANTASTIC. Spry, speedy, good hands...
Come again? Ah. We're being told it's a different Mike Wallace. Never mind. (You wanna know what's lamer than that last bit? The fact that there are studio execs who would absolutely take that pitch meeting - Benjamin Buttons meets *The Insider * meets *Any Given Sunday *- all because they can "see the poster." God help us.)
~ Out-Takes's Stone-Cold Lock of Week One: The Steelers will beat the Titans. Call it, say...13-10, in OT, with Roeth throwing a garbage hail-mary INT right before halftime, thereby ruining our night. (We smell 1-0 for Out-Takes's season-long Stone-Cold Lock List!)
For the Record...
AFC Divisional Winners
East: Patriots (If Brady's healthy, they go long and deep. Over and over and into February.)
West: Chargers (Scary talent. Out of the way, Norv!)
North: Steelers (If their star safety stays healthy. Oops. Even if he doesn't.)
South: Colts (See above. Bob Sanders = the key to the D.)
NFC Division Winners
Eagles (Lethal weapons - and we don't just mean Vick and his electrocution tongs.)
West: Seahawks (Healthy again, with a side of Curry - see below.)
North: Packers (Hi, Brett! Ted Thompson and Nelson Muntz say, "HA ha!")
South: Saints (Riding a strong Brees past the not-so-soaring Falcons.)
Wild Card: Ravens, Texans (Nope. Not kidding.) Wild Card:Bears, Giants
One Step Forward:The Mighty BENGALS of Cincinnati (with a big year from OCHOCINCO, Tweeting or not.)
Two Steps Back:The PANTHERS and JOHN FOX (the best coach on the hot seat) won't come even close to "roaring out of the gate."
Offensive Rookie of the Year: MARK SANCHEZ (It crushes us to say so, but it feels right. No word yet if winning this award will feel "tubular" or "radical" or "out-there," but we bet it will!)
Defensive Rookie of the Year: AARON CURRY (He'll do for Seattle what PATRICK WILLIS did for the 49ers - but with, ya know...winning!)
Offensive Player of the Year: ADRIAN PETERSON (The kick-off to next year's fantasy drafts will be boring, too!)
Defensive Player of the Year:DEMECO RYANS (Out-Takes's binky can't be stopped.)
Comeback Player of the Year: TOM BRADY (Out-Takes's long-term STONE-COLD LOCK #1.)
Coach of the Year:NOT BRAD CHILDRESS (Out-Takes's long-term STONE-COLD LOCK #2.)
NFL MVP:ADRIAN PETERSON (Call him shifty, call him fierce, call him dynamic - just don't forget to call him Childress-proof.)
Super Bowl XLIV:Patriots over Bears, 31-20. Cutler throws three picks. (Cue Melson Muntz.)
On this day in 2001, Out-Takes lost a friend and football lost a fan. As we sit here at 9:03 AM, listening to church bells on Staten Island, our moment of silence goes out in every direction, near and far, and with a special thought for STUART MELTZER. Forever in a Sox cap, he was a great fan and a better man.
John Cockrell is a screenwriter, whose other work has run the gamut from "Sesame Street Parents Magazine" to Playboy TV's "The Weekend Flash." (He figures everything else is pretty much in-between.)"